Some entries in a diary are the hard to write. Some entries are milestones. There is always something to write or think about. Yesterday was a black day.

There is no entry for yesterday, because I couldn’t write, I was paralysed.

NELSON, my best friend and companion is no longer here. I put her to sleep yesterday morning. I played God? And it did not feel good.

So, this morning starts a new routine, a quieter routine, no more the padding of paws or the clumping up the stairs. She will not follow me out to get the paper in the early morning darkness, although it was some years since she actually followed me up to the letter box. The house has a strange quietness.

Yesterday I did all the walks. The forest track one, to Thomas’s sign. I met a young Golden out on his morning walk, I cried. I felt Nelson with me, even though at that time she was in the back of the car, dead. I did the beach/forest walk, where on so many occasions we have met Kari on his walks, this morning we met no one. I stood and looked back waiting for Nelson to catch up, she never did of course. Then later in the evening, after the candle had burnt out on her grave, I went for our late night route. I waited by her grave, asked if she wanted to follow and whistled for her. I’m sure she came, tail swinging and nose to the ground as always. So ended one of the most painful days in my life. More so even than when Svensson went, because Svensson was really old and sick and on reflection I’d waited too long and she was suffering. No, with Nelson it was different. A week ago she was full of life and vigour, now she’s gone. A visit to the vet to make her better, ended with me carrying her home dead. It feels heavy and fathomless. I’m lost and I was the one who made that decision, which I knew had to be made, but it hurt so deeply inside that I wonder if I will or can recouver. I shall always remember that good trusted friend. She was a proud dog.